2013 A New Year for Trying

It’s been some time since my last post. I confess I have not been in the best of spirits since my complication in December. In my last post, I was still holding onto a bit of hope for our miracle embryo but again, it wasn’t our time yet as we found out on Christmas Day, our embie didn’t implant. 2013 is a whole new year for trying to conceive.

Since I was already feeling down, sad and slightly traumatized after everything, my wounds needed more salt rubbed into them, apparently. During the day, hubby and I attended a Christmas party with more than a hundred people. Some people knew I had been in the hospital and asked how I felt. It was pretty hard not to break down and cry in front of them, but I somehow managed to keep it intact (mind you I was only feeling 80% recovered). Then during secret santa, our newlywed friends announced they were 4 months pregnant. 4 months pregnant after their wedding 5 months ago! It was one of those days you never want to replay. Everywhere I went, someone else was telling me they were having a baby. When hubby and I arrived home, one of the workers in the building informed us he and his wife were expecting their second child in March 2013. I told my husband if another person told me they were expecting a baby that I would scream. My sanity was dangling by a thread.

New Year’s came and we stayed home to relax so I could recover more. 10 days later, I decided I was ready to face the “what’s next” meeting plus we had questions we wanted answers to related to the complication. Hubby and I met with our RE and talked for 40 minutes or so. The weird thing is, there are only 2 topics that stuck to my head; donor eggs and third cycle. Well, when donor eggs came out for discussion, I had no words because I was in shock. Hubby immediately responded that we felt we were not at that point yet. Nonetheless, she told us to think about it because it would still provide us with a child that was half ours biologically speaking, without placing me at risk for complications again. I’m still working my head around the donor eggs. Of course if possible, I would still like to try to have our own biological children. In terms of a third IVF cycle, she’s prepared to have it play out this way:

  • Protocol similar to 1st IVF cycle
  • Add co-culture procedure (only a few centers do this anymore)
  • Stay on estrogen patch before stimming meds and after transfer
  • Stop stimming meds earlier when follicles reach about 15-16mm

My RE did say that our chances for success with IVF now have gone down to 20% when they were about 40% for cycles 1 and 2. The Clomid trial for the 2nd cycle didn’t help our embryo quality in any way. It seems the 1st protocol yielded more and better quality eggs.

Our RE also informed us this complication I experienced was rare and really seen in women with greater quantity follicles (where I only had 4). For some reason, my body failed to stop bleeding where it should have.

She checked my abdomen via ultrasound and found very minimal blood and fluid left. If I wanted to go ahead with co-culture, I was able to regardless of when I wanted to start a 3rd IVF cycle. Co-culture requires a biopsy of the uterine lining to harvest then freeze the cells until time for transfer. The idea is these helper cells may increase chances of embryo implantation by adding growth factors or removing toxins from the medium. This has to be done at least 1 month in advance of an IVF cycle as a biopsy and without anesthesia.

At this point, I’m barely able to keep back the tears. After everything, it just wasn’t what I wanted to hear. She brought me right back to when she told me I should receive a blood transfusion!

Since that visit, I’ve been trying to keep busy. I went through days of severe depression, self-hatred of my body, oh and of course, tons of crying. I somehow thought my days as a nurse driving myself so hard for so long had somehow taken a toll on my body. 13-hour days, 5 minute lunches, standing on my feet, juggling 40+ patients a day, referrals, treatments, and all this in a very stressful work environment had caught up to me. I’m only 38! This year, I promise to really love and take care of myself; to say yes to myself more. I’ve decided, I’m the patient now.

I still have to try. I need to think positive. I haven’t reached my end yet.

Hope and success in 2013 for me and all my friends. xo

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