Hope needed

3 weekends ago, the doctor transferred 2 viable embryos on a day 3 transfer. Out of 7 follicles, 4 embryos resulted after ICSI. I was a complete mess around the time of retrieval, worrying the same bleeding complication would happen again but thankfully, I was alright. When hubby and I received the call about the 4 embryos, we were tickled pink to hear there were that many. I was definitely surprised going into retrieval thinking there would only be 4 follicles.

Then the 2 week wait came and passed and I finally had my beta test last Wednesday which was negative. To date, I have not experienced a positive beta, not even a low one. So after meeting on Friday with our RE, hubby and I are left to think about another IVF cycle, this time with a low dose protocol. My doc even wants to remove the estrogen patch and if necessary add birth control pills if my FSH is high. The high dose I was on may have affected egg quality. Of course this was indeed a blow to myself, sitting in that office chair feeling pretty helpless about my reproductive state.

My husband and I were really hoping this cycle would be our last one because after 3 cycles, the financial burden is no longer something we can ignore. For us, each IVF cycle costs us around $15K. This is because our insurance does not cover advanced reproductive services such as IVF in addition to the high deductible before any coverage begins. You hear people talk about being house poor, well, I don’t want to be infertility poor. For those contemplating IVF, financing is a huge stressor for many. Now, cost is a bigger part of the equation.

So where are we at? Well besides AF hitting me like a tornado, I’ve been feeling the usual high and low every time one gets the negative beta news. Funny how it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve experienced the news, you still go through the same emotional rollercoaster ride. And as always, I always feel a level of self-hatred as if I had a role in placing myself here. My husband of course, reminds me of how much he loves me and that I shouldn’t blame myself for anything.

For the most part, we still feel as if there is hope for us, however my RE reminds us that if the next cycle, possibly 2, doesn’t result in even a low beta that we should start contemplating egg donation.

Today, I am ordering my meds just so I have them and start on Day 2 again (next month starts a new deductible. Gulp.) Who knows, maybe the lower dose protocol will produce better quality eggs. The co-culture didn’t add much to the cycle so my RE doesn’t want co-culture next cycle.

In the meantime, I will be on the lookout for the baby stork. I seriously could use some hope over here.


2 thoughts on “Hope needed

  1. I found your blog through my own searches into my infertility. I wish for luck for you and your husband for the future. It’s such a cruel and heartbreaking journey when it doesn’t work out.

    Good luck!

    • Thank you for your support, it means a lot. Its difficult going on this journey which can feel so lonely at times. I also wish you much luck and positive energy.Please feel free to email me when you need an ear to chew on 🙂

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