IVF Cycle #1, Success is not to be Realized Today

14 days after our 3 embryos were transferred, the news that our first IVF cycle was a failure begins to sink in. I learned the news on Friday afternoon that our beta test was negative. Earlier in the day, I was feeling hopeful that all our hard work and endurance in this whole lengthy process would turn out fruitful. When I heard the nurse apologize and say “it’s negative”, I went into an immediate state of shock. I don’t even think I was registering in my heart the results. I understood enough to call my husband with the news, but only today is when my heart begins to work pass the initial phase of shock in this whole loss. Success is not to be realized today.

 

I admit to feeling pretty sad today and not wanting to even blog, work on any projects or even eat for that matter. My heart just feels as if it’s starting to lose hope and the fear of never being a mom is sinking into my head. I mean, I feel we did everything right, and worked so hard every day to eat right, take care of myself, go to acupuncture, go to the gym, go to the doctor appointments, get enough sleep, take my supplements, do the injections, do the monitoring, go through retrieval and transfer, all just to hear it didn’t give us what we hoped. So much time and energy both my husband and I had put into this cycle. It just breaks my heart. Now I also feel as if I have let my husband down; that in some way I am taking away his chance to be a father. Not only am I sad, I have guilt as well.

 

After having gone through this process of hard work, pain and perseverance, the level of disappointment, sadness and stress, I can’t even place with words, what I am feeling.

 

 

6 thoughts on “IVF Cycle #1, Success is not to be Realized Today

  1. BFN equals earned wine coma, retail therapy, and purchase of stock in Kleenex. Although we hurt for you and all the dissapointment that you and your husband have endured in your quest for a family, it is comforting to know that we all struggle together.
    “Even on my weakest of days, I grow a little stronger” – Sara Evans.

    • thank you for your supporting and comforting thoughts. we all are becoming stronger each day! heres to wine and sushi too! 🙂

  2. So sorry to hear about the BFN. While Follistim isn’t nearly as involved as the IVF process, when our cycle was cancelled, I was so depressed. I think I gained 10 lbs b/c all I wanted to do was lay around and eat like crap, I didn’t care about anything. It took me a while to come around, but now that we’re on our way to start IVF for the first time, I’m getting excited/anxious/nervous again. Do you have any embryos frozen for a FET? Hang in there, and definitely don’t feel like a failure. You’re doing all you can, and that’s all you & hubby can ask for 🙂 *hugs*

    • I am excited to hear about your upcoming cycle and wish you the best. At times if you feel challenged, just remember to keep focus and take it day by day. It can go by pretty fast and then retrieval time is here! I am doing a little better since this post. its was very hard to not feel like i failed myself and hubby in the beginning but after a few weeks, i know i cannot focus on those thoughts. We all need to stay positive and hopeful. unfortunately, our 3 remaining embryos didnt make it for cryopreservation. We were really hoping for that but it didnt happen. We will be ok and will keep moving forward. I am glad you were keeping busy last month baking, take it easy this month! 🙂

  3. Am in a similar position to you and understand so well the heartache you are feeling. My thoughts are with you and hope we can all move forward with strength and courage. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.x

    • thank you for your positive thoughts and well wishes. yes its been challenging getting over this failed cycle but hubby and I know we are not giving up yet. We plan to do another cycle, just havent decided when. I look forward to hearing about your next steps as it helps me to gain hope+strength from your experiences. it helps so much to feel the support of others who are going through similar experiences. 🙂 good luck to you as well. xo

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