14 days after our 3 embryos were transferred, the news that our first IVF cycle was a failure begins to sink in. I learned the news on Friday afternoon that our beta test was negative. Earlier in the day, I was feeling hopeful that all our hard work and endurance in this whole lengthy process would turn out fruitful. When I heard the nurse apologize and say “it’s negative”, I went into an immediate state of shock. I don’t even think I was registering in my heart the results. I understood enough to call my husband with the news, but only today is when my heart begins to work pass the initial phase of shock in this whole loss. Success is not to be realized today.
I admit to feeling pretty sad today and not wanting to even blog, work on any projects or even eat for that matter. My heart just feels as if it’s starting to lose hope and the fear of never being a mom is sinking into my head. I mean, I feel we did everything right, and worked so hard every day to eat right, take care of myself, go to acupuncture, go to the gym, go to the doctor appointments, get enough sleep, take my supplements, do the injections, do the monitoring, go through retrieval and transfer, all just to hear it didn’t give us what we hoped. So much time and energy both my husband and I had put into this cycle. It just breaks my heart. Now I also feel as if I have let my husband down; that in some way I am taking away his chance to be a father. Not only am I sad, I have guilt as well.
After having gone through this process of hard work, pain and perseverance, the level of disappointment, sadness and stress, I can’t even place with words, what I am feeling.